Do you think of listening as something you just do or do you think it is a skill that can be developed? Do you think that the fact that you have two ears and that you can hear means that you can listen? Did you know that listening rather than speaking is probably the best way improve communication?
Recently, I sat down next to an elderly stranger at a neighbourhood BBQ, I had noticed that he was sitting slightly apart from everyone else and other than the occasional functional question, such as “Do you have enough to eat?”, nobody was speaking to him.
I asked him a few questions and let him speak.
I thought I would pay him the courtesy of listening and it was wonderful to let him speak without feeling the need to fill in any pauses with words. And he spoke and spoke and spoke.
He had lived in the area for a long time and he spoke about changes that happened and it was interesting. I also found out that he had lost his wife in the last couple of years and they had been together for over 30 years and I wondered what the world must be like to him now.
How quiet his house must seem. How silent his home must be with only the chatter in his head for company. I have no idea how long I listened for, but when I stopped I was exhausted, but inwardly calm.
I made my excuses from the gathering and walked home. I didn’t want to fill my head with noise of social pleasantries and idle chitchat. I knew I had made a difference to his day and he in turn had taught me a valuable lesson in the power of listening with a closed mouth and open mind.
I am always amazed at the times when I let my coaching clients talk and all I do is listen with my full attention, how much grateful they are. I think that sometimes asking questions when a client is speaking interferes with the flow. Sometimes being able to talk without interruption can be healing. Listening is a gift that you give to another person. There is power in acknowledging that the other person is a human being and accepting them for who they are.
I am not the world’s best listener! I am human after all. I would love to say that I have listening sussed, but it wouldn’t be true. Sometimes I just nod appropriately while my children speak, lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes in a meeting I will find that someone has asked me a question and I realise that I have not been paying attention. Sometimes I am so busy waiting for a gap in conversation, so I can tell my story that I forget to listen to the other person. And sometimes I barge into conversations because I am so excited about something, that politeness goes out of the window.
- Listening is not keeping quiet until the other person stops talking
- Listening is not waiting for a thread in the conversation so that you can talk about yourself and your experience
- Listening is not zoning out, nodding appropriately, but only hearing blah, blah, blah.
- Listening is not interrupting people with questions that stop their flow.
- Listening is not just repeating or paraphrasing what the person has said.
- Listening is not analysing the speaker to put them into a category.
There is an art to listening; nobody becomes a great artist overnight! Here are some of the ways that I can think of to practise listening:
1) Practise keeping your mouth shut
You have two ears, two eyes and 1 mouth and you should use them in that proportion
2) Practise getting comfortable with pauses
In the conversation, let the other person fill in the gaps
3) Practise listening for different things in a conversation
Have you ever listened to a speech paying attention to the speaker’s grammar? Or listened out to find clues whether people are visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Have you listened to someone only paying attention to their vocal variety and listened to the emphasis they put on certain words? Have you ever listened to someone and wondered what they really mean rather than just the words they are saying?
4) Practise focussing on the speaker
Rather than just thinking about yourself, think about the speaker and get curious!
5) Practise switching off your inner voice
How can you listen properly if there is another conversation going on at the same time?
I would love to hear your suggestions about improving your listening skills (and any guilty confessions)!
Some other articles you might find interesting
5 Reasons to Listen on Twitter
Do you listen when you use Social Media?
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Nicky
I really like your ‘what listening is not …’ list – I think listening is the most underestimated people management skill. My clients are always amazed at what a difference it makes to staff relations when they take the time out to actually listen to their people!
Listening is a really difficult skill to acquire. I find it difficult not to chip in with a question to try to clarify what someone is saying. Or to mention an idea that has just popped into my head as a result of what someone has said. But you are right Nicky, if we sit quietly and really listen to what is being said, we are likely to find out much more than if we constantly interrupt. Of course, sometimes we feel the need to comment just to demonstrate that we really are listening and haven’t switched off. Although our body language should reveal whether we are listening or not … except if it’s a phone conversation!
As I’m sure you find, when evaluating a speech we focus much more closely and listen more carefully than if we are a ‘casual’ member of the audience. However, I’m not sure that is the best way to hear what people are saying. I find that I home in on the technical aspects of the speech but tend to miss the overall story.
Who would have thought that listening would be so challenging?!
David, I think sometimes it is good to listen technically to a speech, it is practice after all. By practising on different aspects of someone talking, you start to hear more when you listen. Sometimes when someone’s voice quivers on a certain word, I hear it very clearly although I wasn’t consciously listening to vocal variation. It is very useful because it is an unconscious physical reaction to emotion, by being able to hear the difference we can get down to core issues far more quickly.
In answer to the lead question; Very much a skill that I don’t do naturally and have had to work on over the years.
You’re right, Nicky, listening properly is not at all passive, it’s tiring. Presumably because we do it so rarely! I think it’s because when you really listen, you pick up so much more about the humanity of the person talking and your empathy is engaged, which it often isn’t during a more superficial conversation.
Lovely post. I think everyone’s got a story to tell and sometimes the world move so fast we forget to listen out for it – it’s quicker, easier and less demanding to assume what a person’s like and make a call on that assumption rather than the ‘real’ person.
You and I have listened to each other and it’s been a real pleasure to do that – and what became very clear too during our conversations is that the art of listening goes hand in hand with the art of asking the right questions – as you obviously did with that ‘elderly stranger’ – and as you did for me.
I always think conversations with people you don’t know are like mining for gold – look below the surface (the seemingly obvious) to find something beautiful, raw and ultimately very valuable. I learn things by doing that, not least that my assumptions about then are usually completely and utterly wrong!
x
Great blog – I listened and hopefully will learn!
Nicky
What a great topic
I really do believe that listening is a skill not only to listen but to actually understand what is being said and not what you are wanting or waiting to be said.
i think listening is an ongoing process for everyone there are so many things in life that make people do more than one thing at a time so to really listen and switch of is an absolute skill.
There are also so many different ways and views to listen and its something everyone wants but not many people get
We can all learn alot just by saying nothing!!!
:0)
Nicky
I really like your ‘what listening is not …’ list – I think listening is the most underestimated people management skill. My clients are always amazed at what a difference it makes to staff relations when they take the time out to actually listen to their people!
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