Have you ever thought that where you stand or where you sit might make a difference to how you communicate?
Communication is not just about the message you give someone, the meaning of communication is the response you get. People will respond to what they think you meant which may or may not be an accurate interpretation of your intended meaning. Have you noticed that sometimes you say something and you don’t quite get the reaction you are expecting? Have you ever had anyone acting defensively to something you meant in a nice way? Have you ever have had someone ignore what you said? Have you ever had the impression that someone is hearing “Blah, blah, and blah” instead of what you are saying?
Maybe you should be thinking of geometry!
Part of your communication is where you physically are in relation to the other person, so how about starting to think about the following?
- Space
- Angles
- Sides
Space
Have you ever met a space invader? Someone who stands just too close to you and when you step back, they step forward? It makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t it?
We all have a personal space around us which is a space we psychologically consider to be our territory. You will let someone you feel emotionally closer to you physically closer to you. We feel comfortable when friends stand a certain distance from us, but distinctly uncomfortable when a stranger stands at the same distance. If someone stands too close to you, you react by being defensive and you will probably step backwards or lean your body away from them. If someone stands too far away, you lose the sense of connection with them. At a certain distance away, it might feel as though they are addressing other people or are lecturing you.
We use distance in our language about relationships. Think about what you might mean when you say “I feel close to you” or “Why are you so distant?”
Try this out with a friend and get them to move closer and further away and notice the difference it makes. Get them to make a simple statement of “I want to talk to you” and notice how it feels different when it is said at different distances.
Think about what you do at home. When you speak to your partner or children what distance are you away from them when you speak to them? Within touching distance? Across the room? From another room? Think about the difference it would make if you spoke to your children about cleaning their room from a personal connected space versus a public disassociated space. Besides you wouldn’t have to shout!
Angles
When you speak to someone, it is also worth thinking about what angle to take. I mean the physical angle between you! The difference between facing someone head on and at an angle from them is very noticeable! You can share the same vision. You can see things from their perspective. You are more ”on their side”. Whereas, from in front of them you tend to see things from your side and you see the other person as being different from you. It can be confrontational; whatever, your true intention. Try this out! Get a friend to stand a distance away directly in front of you and get them to walk towards you. Notice at what point you start feeling uncomfortable. Get your friend to do the same thing at a 45° angle (somewhere between directly in front of you and directly to the side of you). Notice the difference. You will find that someone can get physically closer to you from an angle without you feeling uncomfortable.
As a NLP practitioner, I have been taught to angle myself to my client, so that we both can see each other and feel comfortable in a close connected way. I will sometimes move around to next to my client to see things from their viewpoint. This is useful to remember triangles in any communication situation. There is your perspective, their perspective and an objective perspective. You want to be able to keep your eye on both the other person and your shared goal or problem. By remembering that there are three points of a triangle, you will remember to open your body language to include the third point, which could be a shared dream or a shared problem.
When you are negotiation with someone, it is worth remembering to take a different angle. It helps break the “us” and “them” position. Even if you are forced to sit opposite someone with a desk or a table in the way, you can angle your body for more harmonious discussions.
Sides
You know the saying “Getting on someone’s good side” or “Seeing someone’s bad side”? We have preferred sides. For some people it is their right side and some people it is their left side. You may have noticed that people tend to favour a particular side of the bed, walk on a particular side of you and sit in the same place at the table.
Most of us have a critical voice. It’s that voice in our head that tells us unhelpful things like “You are stupid” or “You always mess up”. Have you ever thought where that voice is coming from? And I mean literally “where” the voice is coming from?! Does it come from your left side, right side or somewhere else? If it comes from your left side, then your left side is your “bad” side. You will probably be more defensive and react differently to questions asked from that side than from your right side. If the voice sounds like it is coming from the right, then your right side will be your “bad” side. It is useful to remember that you might get a better reaction from someone when you move to their other side. For some people the difference is quite noticeable, so it is worth making sure that you are on their “right” side when you communicate with them.
Related posts:
I think it is also worth paying attention to how distance, angle and sides change fluidly during an interaction as a measure of how a correspondent is reacting to what is being said. However it’s worth noting that no one is consistent in their body language especially if we add in an intercultural element…..
Very interesting article! Thanks
Thank you for your comment Matthew. You are right that we are not consistent in the distance that we feel comfortable. Imagine that on a crowded bus how you wouldn’t mind a stranges sitting next to you, but it would feel very intrusive if a stranger came to sit next to you when there was nobody else on the bus. Same distance, different external circumstances!
What really irritates me is people who come up really close behind me in the supermarket queue! It sounds trifling, but I do resent the invasion of my space and usually try to lean back slightly into their trolley or basket in the hope they’ll take the hint. Or I adopt the same tactic as with a driver who insists on following too close behind and leave a bigger and bigger gap from the person in front of me. I often wonder why I don’t just ask them to step back – somehow bringing the subject up seems as psychologically uncomfortable as the behaviour!
Thank you for your comments Judy, I am sure that if you asked most people to step back a little bit in a calm way they probably would. The problem is that we tend to snap when people intrude in our personal space.
It can be difficult to teach this especially to children. Personal space is so important to people and it is one of those things that does not come naturally needs to be taught. Interesting subject to write about.
Great article. However you did not address cultural differences. People in South America for example will be offened if you don’t stand within 8 inches of them. For someone not from that culture it is difficult to incorporate this varient. All in all well done Nicky.
Thank you for your feedback Gary, I didn’t cover culturall differences because I thought the posting was on the long side anyway. I also like to check recent research. In the Seventies there was research done in a prison, suggesting that aggressive prisoners had a larger than normal personal space and that aggression was due to their personal space being invaded. This research has largely been discredited now. The world is getting smaller with the internet and mass media, I would love to see if people are more similar than previously thought.
Nicky, I can tell you that 8 years ago, the last time I was in South America, it was feeling very in your face when I delt with the locals. I don’t think much has changed. It was a good article. I wish I wrote as clearly as you do.
Excellent article Nicky.
With regards to angle of communication I will often kneel down to a child’s level when I am speaking to them so that they don’t feel towered above. Didn’t work for a small Scottish lady when I was asked at a workshop how I could communicate better. I bent down and got a slap!
To add to your comment on the inner voice I often ask clients if their internal critic’s voice would be quite so potent if it came from their big toe. You can try this out at home and hear how it works. It is interesting to see how it feels different somehow
Pingback: Positioning and rapport: Keeping on the right side of players – extricate.org