Why I don’t like affirmations

Last night I went to a Toastmasters meeting.  It’s contest time and it’s nice to move around local clubs.  While the contestants were out of the room, someone got up for an audience participation exercise.  What happened next left me cringeing:

Now I know her intention was good and she wanted share positive thinking with everyone, but I found her exercise in personal development slightly inappropriate.

In the first part of the exercise she told us that we should take a negative that we say about ourselves in the mirror and turn it into a positive. Ok….. 

Now, the room was full of people who had gathered together for the contest.   The first thing about doing personal development work is that you need to ask the person’s permission to make the change.  It is all very well being enthusiastic, but foisting your belief systems on someone else is not going make them change.  People make changes when they are ready to make changes. 

Secondly, if you expect people to be open to changing belief systems, you have to create a safe atmosphere of trust first.   A minute or so’s introduction to the topic and then expecting everyone to get to their feet and reveal their inner most secrets to a room full of people is not realistic.

Toastmasters are generally game for anything, so everyone took something that they felt they couldn’t do and were funny and witty about saying that they could do it.  Everyone was laughing and there was a good atmosphere.  Being able to openly laugh at something you feel you can’t do was good; or so I thought.   We were all told off for laughing at ourselves and each other.  The pleasant atmosphere evaporated.  We were told that we should be saying the positive form or affirmation (which we didn’t believe in) with conviction and really believing in it!!!!!!

This is the danger of affirmations.  Making a statement about something you don’t believe is NOT going to change your belief systems.

Imagine you are overweight.  You stand in front of the mirror and say the positive affirmation of “I am thin“.  What happens?  A little voice in your head will pop into you head and say “No, you are not!”  Saying “I am thin” thousands of times is not going to make you start believing it.  You are more likely to create inner conflict with yourself.  Your little voice in your head will become louder.  If you find you still don’t believe the positive affirmation, you may even start beating yourself up about how weak-willed you are!  It was supposed to be easy:  Just say it enough times with conviction and you will start believing, you have been told.  So what do you say to yourself when you still can’t change your thoughts?

Affirmations can work if they don’t create an inner conflict.  So for example, saying “I have lovely eyes” may help you towards having more positive thoughts about yourself.  And once you get used to seeing something positive about yourself and feel confident saying it, you can address areas that you feel more neutral about and think of them more positively.  Alternatively you could take a body part that you hate and starting thinking about it in a neutral way.

I have had affirmations written out for me by lovely well meaning people and been told that I need to say them 20 times a day.  What?!  It is like being written out a prescription to all your life’s problems by someone who has no idea of your inner thoughts.

Anyway, back to last night.  The second part of was even worse and had the person sitting next to me writing “Help me” on her paper.  All the contestants who had just taken part in the competition were told to stand up and say that they were the best contestant.  They were a bit puzzled, but good-naturedly, stood up and said that they were the best and gave delightful, flippant answers to justify their answer.  Instead of being rewarded for their bravado, they were reprimanded for feeling the need to justify the statement!!!!

The person then told us that we all should be able to look in the mirror and say we are sexy and beautiful.  Some unfortunate soul made the mistake of saying “That’s easy for you to say” and he was dragged up to the front and not allowed to leave until he had declared to the whole meeting that he was attractive and sexy.

Personal development on steroids!

Belief systems don’t change simply because someone stands up and tells you to think differently.  We can change our belief systems and it is wonderful seeing a client transform themselves by changing a belief that was holding them back.  If you are a coach, please don’t give the rest of us coaches a bad name.  And never ask me do an affirmation.

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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The “Just being Glad” game

Hayley Mills won a special Oscar for her perfomance of Pollyanna in Disney's 1960's adaptation.

When was the last time you read a book that you first read as a child?  It is an interesting experience.  As a child, I read books to find out the story.  As an adult, I read the same books to hear their message.  At the moment I am rereading Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter, which was published in 1913.  I thought I would share the “Just being glad” game with you, in case, you need reminding.

Pollyanna has just arrived at her stern aunt’s house after her father has died.  Despite her aunt’s wealth, she has been put in a tiny, barren attic room at the top of the house and she has been told never to speak of her father again.  She explains the game to Nancy, who is her aunt’s servant and has been a friendly face since she arrived.  She tells her that she was taught the game by her father when she was hoping for a doll and received a pair of crutches in a missionary barrel.

“Oh, yes; the game was to just find something about everything to be glad about – no matter what ’twas,” rejoined Pollyanna, earnestly.  “And we began right then – on the crutches.”

“Well goodness me!  I can’t see anythin’ ter be glad about – gettin’ a pair of crutches when you wanted a doll!”

Pollyanna clapped her hands.

“There is – there is,” she crowed.  “But I couldn’t see it either, Nancy, at first,” she added, with quick honesty. “Father had to tell it to me.”

“Well, then, suppose YOU tell ME,” almost snapped Nancy.

“Goosey! Why, just be glad because you don’t- NEED-’EM!” exulted Pollyanna, triumphantly.  “You see it’s just as easy – when you know how!”

Nancy thinks she is a bit odd, but Pollyanna insists that the harder it is, the more fun it is.  Nancy then challenges her to find something good to say about the attic room.  Pollyanna admits she found it hard at first, but then found it a relief that there was no mirror so she didn’t have to look at herself and the fact that there were no pictures meant that she noticed the scene outside framed by the window.

“You see, when you’re hunting for the glad things, you sort of forget the other kind – like the doll, you wanted, you know.”

If a lonely, grieving girl can find things to be pleased about, so can YOU.  Wouldn’t it be great to have a Pollyanna attitude in life?

Think back in the last week, did something happen that you weren’t happy about?  Spend a bit of time thinking about it and find a way you can be glad that it happened.  What negative things can you change into a positive just by thinking about it differently?

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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Why you should hug a stranger

Have you thought about hugging a stranger?  Okay, not necessarily a physical hug, but at least a virtual hug.  Have you thought about what effect it would have if we all showed a little bit of love to our fellow human beings? 

Confession time:  I am one of those weird people who talk to people on the tube.  My children have given up being embarrassed about me talking to people I don’t know waiting in a queue at Sainsbury’s or on a street corner.  Why do I do it?  Because it makes me happy.  Sometimes it is the small things that make a difference to someone’s day.  Never underestimate the power of a simple smile.

Think about how it feels when a stranger gives you the few pennies you are short for the parking meter.  Think about when someone stopped to help you find your way.  Think about how it feels when someone shows that care about you as a person.

There is no point in blaming “Society” or “modern living” or the “21st Century” for people feeling increasingly isolated.  The question is what are you going to do to change things?  What can you do to make the difference in your world?  What impact can you make by simply being nice without expecting something in return?

Here are some different ways you can hug a stranger:

  1. Physically hug them – When last did you get a hug and when last did you give a hug?  You might want to start by hugging people that you know first, if you are not used to hugging.  See the “Free Hugs” YouTube video at the bottom of this post for a powerful demonstration of the effect of a simple physical touch.
  2. Random Acts of kindness – Carry out an act of kindness without expecting anything back.  It is fun to surprise a complete stranger with an unexpected gift of caring.  It can be as simple as helping someone carry their bags across the street or sending a thank you card.  If you need ideas there is even a website dedicated to Random Acts of Kindness.
  3. Smiling – We are hardwired to smile back when someone smiles at you.  Smiling is literally contagious.  Test it out for yourself:  Smile at strangers and see how many smile back and how it makes you feel.
  4. Talking and Listening – Give someone the gift of your time.  We are fellow human beings; we have a lot in common with each other even if it is just about the weather.  Find something to say to open a conversation with a stranger.  It is far more interesting than pretending you can’t see them or staring into space while you are waiting.
  5. Virtual hugs – Even if you can’t see the person you can share a bit of love using social media.  Send a friend on Facebook a virtual hug if their update shows they are low.  Tell someone on Twitter that they are special.  Leave a nice comment on someone’s blog (and yes, every time someone leaves a comment on mine, it makes me smile!)

Other related articles

5 Reasons to Smile

5 Reasons to be Happy

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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Are you just building castles in the air?

Do you have a dream that you have never taken the first step towards achieving?  It is wonderful having a head full of ideas, but unless we take some form of action, nothing is going to happen.  Thinking about something is not enough!  Now, I do believe that it is good to start with the end in mind and that having clear goals helps you focus on what you really want.  Having a dream without taking action is just building castles in the air.

Let’s assume you have a dream:  Something in the back of your mind that you would like to do at some point.  Have you thought of something?  Just one thing?  Now, fast forward your life to your imaginary death-bed.  How would you feel if you have never achieved this particular dream?  If you are not really bothered, then put your idea gently back to the back of your mind.  But, if it really does matter to you, then what are you going to do about it?  Sometimes the dream seems to be out of reach and it might be right now, but even a tiny move in the right direction makes it a little bit more achievable.

All mountains get climbed by taking a small step onto them and then another and another.  But first you have to decide to climb the mountain.  You might need to do some preparation before you start.  And then you need to get yourself to the base of the mountain!  So what is the one small step you can take towards making your dreams a reality, today?

  1. Give yourself permission to have the dream - So often people feel they don’t deserve their desires.  Perhaps you have put it in a category as something other people do.  Maybe it is too frivolous and you are too busy being serious to have fun.  What is stopping you from owning your dream?
  2. Make it more real – It might be as simple of writing down your idea or creating a vision board so that it feels more real and it has more shape.  Ask yourself, how will you know when you have achieved it?  What would it look like, sound like and feel like?
  3. Think of some of the things you will need to learn along the way.  Write them down.  You don’t have to do them all at once.  It is easy be overwhelmed.  Just knowing that you have some things to learn still means that you might open yourself up to those opportunities when they present themselves to you.
  4. Work out one tiny, tiny step that will head you in the right direction.  Something that you can probably do in 5- 15 minutes.   For example, if you have always wanted to visit particular place, that tiny step might be to get a large jar to put your loose change into.   If you always have wanted to write a book, it might be scheduling in some writing time in your diary or booking a writers workshop.  Often it is very simple things that make a difference like making a phone call or sending an email.
  5. Do that one small, tiny, miniscule thing.

Never underestimate the importance of doing the small things.  Taking one step towards your dream is better than just having your head in the clouds.  Getting anywhere is just a series of movements in the right direction.  What do you think?  I would love to have your comments.

Other related articles

One olive makes quite a big difference

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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Focus for the Year

Which word or words will define 2011 for you?  Are you just going to wait to see what happens or will you decide for yourself?  Over the weekend, I read several articles either around having a word or three words for the year.  I had already chosen my three words at the beginning of the year, but the idea of having a theme for the year might be new to you.  I thought I would share my thoughts about them and you can choose whether or not you want a theme for 2011.

Last year, I read an article by Mari Smith about having a theme for the year and I choose the phrase “Go Boldly Forward”.  It was an incredibly useful theme to have because every time I felt hesitant or nervous about doing something new, the phrase would play in my head and I would do it.  What an amazing year 2010 was, so many opportunities presented themselves to me and I found myself saying “yes” a lot.

This year I have chosen three words.  I could have chosen one or a phrase again, but it felt right to choose three words.  By choosing something simple and memorable, it makes it easier to focus.  You get what you focus on.  There is a lovely quote from Richard Bach in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, “To fly as fast as thought, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived.”
By planting a thought in your head, you will in essence already have achieved it.

My three words are:

  1. Focus – I have no problem creating ideas.  Every person I meet creates new thoughts for me and new possibilities.  My problem in the past has been getting distracted.   This year I am working on focus.  Mari Smith had a nice acronym for it when it was her chosen word in 2008: Follow One Course Until Successful
  2. Follow-through – Over the years I have missed many opportunities simply by not making follow-up phone calls, all those “we must meet for a coffee” that may have lead to other things.  I am starting off this year by focussing on simply popping a short friendly email to everyone who gives me a business card. (Although if someone has delivered a sales pitch at me and shoved a card in my hand, the card may mysteriously disappear!).  I like the analogy of when you hit a ball with a racquet, the follow-through is what gives the ball more power.
  3. Food – This is a personal one rather than a business one.  Yes, I do need to lose weight, but instead of dieting I am going to concentrate on eating healthy, nutritious and tasty food.  I haven’t radically changed the way we are eating as a family yet, but I have become mindful of the food I am buying and eating.  I am also conscious of how much food I am wasting each week.  It is handy having a little caddy for recycling because it has made me aware of how much I am putting into it.

Those are my three words; do you have a theme for your year?  I would love to hear if you do.  If you don’t have one yet, what will you choose?  It would be great if you share your word, words or phrase!

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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5 Reasons to be happy

Have you ever had a week where so many amazing things happen that you find yourself smiling most of the time?  Well, this week was one of them for me.  I thought I would share some of the things that have made me happy this week and give you five reasons to be happy.

  1. It is contagious - Yes, happiness can be viral and can even be caught over the phone.  On Monday, I had a chat with Heather Bestel, she has agreed to do an interview for me for my blog and it was great having the excuse to catch up.  Heather is one of these people I would describe as a ray of sunlight.  I met Heather on Twitter and she is a Facebook friend.  In the time I have known her, I have never seen her say anything bad about anyone or anything.  She is abundant in praise and support and I have found her inspirational, not only in what she has achieved in the last year, but from seeing the love she generates from other people.  I positively beamed after we finished our chat, I actually felt as if I was glowing.  I definitely caught her happiness!
  2. It makes you feel better - Endorphins are so much more fun than feeling low, aren’t they?  Happiness gives you a bounce in your step and more energy.  Just think about how it feels physically when you are depressed or down.  Which would you prefer?  Happiness is a choice.
  3. It draws nice people to you – This week has been filled with lovely conversations with nice people.  From my Toastmaster friends to my Ladies who Latte group.  I had a delightful conversation with Dee Blick, the fabulous author or Powerful Marketing on a Shoestring Budget who has also agreed to be interviewed, too.  I was struck by the lovely people I am surrounded by on both a professional and personal level.
  4. It counter-balances the negative people around you.  I was invited by Tom Evans to attend an event called “Good Vibrations” which just happened to be hosted by a friend, Uzma Afzal.  I had no idea what to expect.  There were sixteen of us and it started with an extract had inspired the day.  It was from Dr Wayne Dyer’s “Power of Intention”  about how the energy of a single positive person with good vibrations balances out the effect of many negative people.  What a great excuse to be happy!
  5. You are alive – During the the Good Vibrations day, something someone said reminded me of a very powerful TED talk I had seen “Stroke of Insight”.  I mentioned it at the time and sent everyone a link to YouTube, but what really touched me was Evonne Brown sent a lovely email thanking me for it and urging the rest of the wonderful people who had attended to watch it.  I have included it here because after Evonne’s email I watched it again and was again struck by its power.

I have had a very happy week and I thought I would like to share a bit of it with you.  I would love you to share yours too!  Let me know what your reasons to be happy are.  Be great to have your comments!

Other articles that you might be interested in

5 Reasons to Smile

Why Looking up can Lift your Spirit

Intuition: Just a Gut Feeling?

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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Looking back to look forward

 Have you ever climbed a mountain?  When you reached the top, did you take time out to admire the view?  Or were you completely focused on the journey you still had to take?  I hope you took time to feel great sitting on top of the mountain, proud of what you had managed to achieve!  Most of us naturally would take a breather at the top, look back from where we had come and just enjoy the sensation of being on top of the world.  Things look different from the top of the mountain. 

Unfortunately, we don’t have mountains in everyday living.  It is easy to forget what we have accomplished and just be focussed on how much further we have to go.  This time of the year is a great time to sit on the top of your figurative mountain and look back at how far you have come.  Why not list all the things you have done in 2010?  All the milestones you have reached.  All the things you have learnt.  All the small things that made you say “Yay!” this year.  You may surprise yourself! 

Are you up for the challenge?  I am going to make a list and add it on here!  I would love to see what you have achieved.  Why not add it onto the comments?  Let’s celebrate 2010 before we begin the next year!  Looking forward to seeing what you have got up to!

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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Need to learn?

Do you feel that you constantly need learn new things?  Is it a natural curiosity?  A thirst for knowledge?

Or a feeling of inadequacy?

Openness to learning is good.  Our brain has tremendous abilities and we only use a small percentage of it.  I would like to be learning new things until the day I die:  So why did I ask if your need to learn is a feeling of inadequacy?

Sometimes the feeling of not knowing enough becomes an excuse not to do things.  I have seen people become course junkies.  They just need to add another source of information before they feel that they can start.  They book onto the next course as the course they are on comes to an end.  I have friends who continuously buy books to tell them how to do things.  They never stop to think that they might already know if they trusted themselves.

At some point you need to realise that you do know enough, right now!

  • That not everything you learn is out there, sometimes it is within.
  • That you have to interpret information that other people have given in your own way.
  • That knowledge is not just theory, but it needs to be internalised and practised.
  • That just because information is printed, published or said by an authority, doesn’t make it true!
  • That you will never know everything and there will always be more to learn.  

Sometimes it is good to stop, take time to think and start realising that you know a tremendous amount already. 

Know that you know!

So what do you know about already?

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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5 Reasons to take time out to think

How many times have you heard someone say that they don’t have time to think?  How many times have you heard someone say that they don’t take have time to take a day off?  Maybe you are that person.  It is so easy to get caught up with day to day activities and forget to stop to look at the bigger picture.

Have you ever found yourself crossing things off your To Do list and adding things on at the same time?  Life can become an endless To Do list if you let it.  Just take a few minutes out to reorganise your list into things that are important and things that are urgent.  Where are you spending the most of your time and energy?  Do you know what things are important to you?  Which are the things that are going to make the biggest difference to your life?

Taking time out is so important to do, especially if you feel that you are fire-fighting all the time.  Working longer and longer hours doesn’t make you more productive!  Sometimes it is good to refocus on you and what you want.  Knowing where you want to be means that you can be clearer about which path you need to take.

Taking time out is like sitting on the top of the mountain, it gives you:

  1. A chance to recharge – Everyone needs a break now and then.   If you keep on going without refuelling at some point, you are going to be forced to stop.  Our bodies will often make us stop by becoming ill, if we continue to ignore the warning signals.   Taking a break allows us to slow down and take a deep breathe.
  2. Chance to review- It is good to be able to look back and see how far you have come and to acknowledge the mountain you have climbed already!
  3. Chance to see the bigger picture- It is so easy to get bogged down in the detail, being able to get a different perspective on things always helps.  From above things look different and you can see how things fit together.
  4. Chance to see where you want to go- You never know you might want to go in different direction or to continue along the same path.
  5. Chance to Plan- When you can see what coming up ahead of you, you can work out how to overcome any obstacle and work out how to get there.

I am going to be taking time out very soon and climbing mountains, my friend, Sarah Maliphant organises wonderful walking weeks in Wales with home cooking on the Aga in a beautiful Farm House.  I am looking forward to the break and not having internet access.  I am also looking forward to the view from the top of the mountain. 

 If you want a sneaky peek at the gorgeous bedroom I am going to be staying in, click here.

So why don’t you invest in yourself and take time out to think? Time to find yourself a mountain or at least a day out of your routine.  Would love to hear what you do!

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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One olive makes quite a big difference!

This morning I saw this tweet.  “American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class.”  It got me thinking.  It is so often the little things that make big differences.  Who would have thought that one little olive would make a difference?

I have heard that the cumulative effect of Lattes is quite phenomenal.  One Latte a day doesn’t sound expensive.  Who would notice £2 – £2.50?  It’s your daily treat, isn’t it?  But think about it.  Let’s say you have a Latte once every weekday, so that is £10 – £12.50 a week, still not too bad!  But in a month it starts mounting up to £42 – £52.50 or even worse, £520 – £650 a year!

Last week I read an article that said that half a muffin negates the average workout that you do in an hour at the gym!  Who eats half a muffin?  One hour of sweat wasted!  Who would have thought that by treating yourself after a workout, you might actually gain weight?  One treat a day can make a big difference to your weight over a year.

One little treat a day can make a big difference to your bank account or your waistline!

Now before you all rush out and deprive yourself of absolutely everything, it is worth considering that it is the little things that can make a big difference to achieving your dreams too.  Every mountain only gets climbed by taking the first step.  One step doesn’t sound much or look much, but add all those steps together and amazing things can be achieved. 

So here is a question for you:

What is the one small thing you can do today that will make a big difference to your business by next year?

Making a business call, mailing a newsletter, tweeting about a course you’re running doesn’t sound like much, does it?   But think about the accumulative effect that it can have.  Most sales (about 60%) only happen after the fifth contact with someone, most people (88%) give up long before then.  Imagine if you considered each contact as the small thing that you need to do today.

One olive can make a big difference!  What is the one thing you can leave out or add to your day today?

Nicky Kriel

Nicky Kriel is a Social Media Coach & Trainer inspiring, educating and empowering Business Owners to use Social Media more strategically. She is also the author of How to Twitter for Business Success. For more information visit http://www.nickykriel.com or to find out about her courses that she runs in Guildford visit http://www.nickykriel.com/courses

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